There is an oft commented saying about weeds that goes something like, "A weed is just a plant or flower in a place that you don't want it to be."
YOU might call a stray cosmos or 4 o'clock a weed all you like my friends, but they are not WEEDS, with all capital letters. There is a distinct difference between a WEED and a misguided flower, and to help everyone clarify this difference, I though we could use the Jeff Foxworthy identification process.
You might be a WEED if...you are totally indifferent if its cold, hot, muddy, dry, sandy, clayish, sunny, dark, windy, humid, gritty, lacking oxygen, lacking nitrogen, the place is on fire and it's hailing - all at the same time.
If you feel pretty certain you have a fighting chance of establishing roots on a rolling bowling ball in the trunk of a 1985 Cutlass Sierra...you just might be a WEED.
You might be a WEED if you can overwinter 128 years in a row waiting for that one day when someone makes the error of uncovering you and 85,000 of your closest friends.
You might also be a WEED if you tend to grow a 5 inch by 10 inch root ball before actually sprouting anything lest someone might see you.
And if you can grow this rootball and sprout your first leaf in the time it takes the average person to use the bathroom, you just might be a WEED.
If you can see your entire family tree when you stand on your tippy-stems, and as a matter of fact you're still connected to them, then you might be a redneck...er.. and a WEED.
And finally, you might be a WEED if you can have your starter leaves look, at any single moment, like every single other kind of plant that is lovingly planted in the garden until you grow more than 5-6 leaves, and which point you sprout out of that 'fake' plants stomach like an Aliens baby and eat all the actual garden plants in sight. You are definitely a WEED if you keep doing this. Face it.
Instead of trying to feel better about weeds by calling them misplaced flowers, I think Doug Larson has done them justice in saying:
A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.
Now THAT is true.
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